Wednesday, 20 July 2011

The Call I Never Got To Make

My mom died four years ago, before I had the chance to come out to her. I know she would have loved my partner as much as I do. My father, he's still around somewhere.... we don't have a relationship, never had and never will. Some people say that it's a shame - my mother gone and no relationship with the man who sired me. You know, you can't miss what you never had. So I'm really ok about it. Besides I have my partner, my children and my grandchildren. All is good.

This blog is basically how I imaged that conversation would have gone. I talked to my mom a lot on the phone, so here's the call I never got to make:

ME: Hi Mom. It’s me…. Just wanted to share some news with you.. I'm gay.

MOM: ... Gay!.... Like a homosexual?

ME: Yes, I like a homosexual.

MOM: But you were married.

ME: I wanted to be sure.

MOM: You fathered a child.

ME: I wanted to be really sure.

MOM: You actually fathered two children.

ME: I wanted to be really, really sure!!!

MOM: ... Who did this to you?

ME: No one did this to me, Mom. But if you really need to point a finger, try God. He makes people in all sorts of styles and flavours.

MOM: I don't think that's funny.

ME: I don't either. Look  Mom, it's no big deal. It's just the way I am.

MOM: You have three brothers... how come none of them are gay?

ME: Maybe I'm just a bad seed! Interesting concept - maybe I have a little gay devil in me.  Would you like to see if I can turn my head around?

MOM: We're on the phone, dear

ME: Right!….Listen, Mom, if I believed in outing people -

MOM: Outing?  Is that the same as going out to lunch?

ME: No, Mom, outing is when you tell people that someone else is gay without their consent.  It's a good thing, because I'd have to tell you something about one of your other sons...

MOM: Like what?

ME: Like something he wouldn't want you to know (hint hint).... However, while we're on the subject, I can tell you one of the reasons he's a misogynist.

MOM: You know I don’t like crude language!

ME:  A misogynist is a woman hater. It’s got nothing to do with female parts of the body. And speaking of which, ew gross, Mom!!!

MOM: What will I tell your father?

ME: Tell him, he has a gay son and get him to guess which one!

MOM: You know, if you tell him - it will kill him.

ME: Quick, put him on the phone! Then we’ll do lunch…


  1. I really LOL'd reading this. Thanks Cecil b. I wish you could have made that phone call!

  2. I guess we were all seeds at one time, my mom found out I was gay when she found gay porn on her computer and confronted me about it, I had no idea computers kept track of history. I certainly learned my lesson.

  3. "Maybe I'm just a bad seed..." No, maybe you're a better seed.

    Good fun, Cecil. Thanks.

  4. Nice post. I really enjoyed the conversation.